Midnight Angry Penne

 Let's just get this out of the way: this is not penne arrabiata. I couldn't in good conscience tell you that. It's sorta-kinda, but it's more about being hungry and wanting to eat something other than mac and cheese.

Also: this is spicy. You can make it more or less spicy, but if you don't make it spicy at all, it's not this. And that's totally cool! Make it how you like it. But fair warning: spicy ahead.

So you're hungry late at night, for whatever reason, and you've got a box of pasta, a few spices, and a can of tomatoes? This will come together in about the time it takes to boil the pasta. It's fast, it's delicious, and it's easy.

You will need: 

• Some sort of pasta
• Canned tomatoes
• Oil
• Garlic
• Onion
• Spices
• Sugar and salt
  

Some sort of pasta

Yes, it's called Angry Penne, but only because it's descended from penne arrabiata. Any tube pasta will work. Beyond that, any macaroni pasta will work, though the texture will be a bit different. And in the very far corner, any pasta at all will work. Noodles will totally be fine, though this becomes much less arrabiata at that point. It doesn't matter. Do it.

Canned tomatoes

Figure one 14 oz. (the smaller size) can per pound of pasta. You can use more if you really like sauce. I prefer petite diced in juice, but regular dice will work, as will tomato sauce/crushed tomatoes (though you don't get nice bits of tomato that way) or whole tomatoes (if you've got this, crush them a bit before you add them). If you're really desperate, you could use stewed, but the flavor will be very different. Still, needs must.

Oil

I prefer olive oil for pasta, but unless you're using a strong nut oil, pretty much anything will do here.

Garlic

If you've got fresh garlic, roughly smash the cloves (that keeps the tiny bits from burning and preserves a little of the garlic punch). Diced jarred garlic or garlic paste are fine here. But this is late night, you don't want to dirty anything unnecessary. Use garlic powder. It's ok.

Onion

One small onion, or a cup of frozen diced onion, per can of tomatoes. Seriously, use the frozen kind. They keep forever, are roughly the same price per pound when you factor in waste, and take no labor. Plus, late night, no cutting.

Spices

We'll get to them, but you need at least to have crushed red pepper flakes or a suitable spicy substitute (unless, as stated above, you can't do spice, in which case, no shame) plus some warm spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, pumpkin spice, or Chinese 5-Spice. Something like that. I promise, we'll get there.

Sugar and salt

Trust me, you'll pretty much always need these.

You'll also need:

A pot to cook your pasta, and a pot or pan to cook your sauce. 

I prefer to cook my sauce in a pot big enough to hold the pasta so I can just rinse my pasta pot out after rather than getting it dirty with sauce, but if you've only got one pot big enough, no problem.

A heat-safe cup or mug to scoop out some pasta water

If you've got a Pyrex measuring cup or similar heat-safe, you can use that, but I usually just use a coffee mug. Just make sure it's not ice-cold so thermal shock doesn't break it.

Let's get cooking

First, get your water boiling. Rule of thumb for pasta is 4 quarts of water per pound. Unless you're avoiding salt, salt that water. Salty like the sea. At least a tablespoon of salt in that water. Then turn it on high.

Meanwhile, in your other pot (or pan, but I can't keep saying it like this so just pot from now on) add some oil. You may be tempted to add less to make this recipe more fat-friendly, and that's fine, but you really do need a little oil. If all else fails, cover the bottom with a few spritzes from your cooking spray of choice. But if you don't need to avoid oil, at least a teaspoon, preferably a couple of tablespoons, per pound of pasta (in fact, from here on in I'll assume you're making a pound and you can do the math because you're big kids now and daddy needs a nap).

Why do you need oil? Well, we're going to bloom some spices. Blooming, if you haven't heard the term, is heating spices in oil. That's all it is. Many flavor compounds in spices are oil-soluble (think essential oils) and further are heat-activated, so by heating in oil, we extract those flavors into the oil and also mellow them, like dry-roasting spices does. In this case, we really need to do that because otherwise this pasta won't be angry, it'll be furious. Very harsh. Perhaps a bit unpleasant.

Heat the pot on medium-low heat. Please don't burn the oil. Maybe one step up from the lowest setting, or low, if you know your burners and they run hot. The aim is to heat, not burn. Burnt spices are one of those things you can't come back from.

Now, before you worry about oil temperature, don't. We're going to add some spices to the cold oil (or while it's warming up). Take your pepper flakes and think to yourself, "Self, how delicious do I want this to be, but also how adventurous am I feeling?" If your answer is, "A lot and a lot," then take a tablespoon of red pepper flakes and chuck them into the oil without a care. "That's an awful lot of spice," you won't think to yourself, because you have no cares and it will all work out right in the end.

But if your answer is a little more timid, I'll reassure you that, by blooming the pepper flakes, you will reduce their heat somewhat. Plus, you've got a lot of pasta. It'll work out angry but not unpleasantly so. Still, you aren't me, and you know your limits, so for the first time, feel free to reduce the amount of kick from "angry mule" to "adorable baby kitten," if you desire.

One note here: if you don't have pepper flakes (pick some up for a buck pretty much anywhere that sells spices) you absolutely can use red pepper powder instead, but it'll be much hotter and take a lot less time to bloom. You still want to bloom it for the reasons mentioned above, but reduce the amount considerably. Cayenne is hotter than pepperoncini. Maybe half a teaspoon to start, but it's easier to adjust to your taste with powder.

Whatever you do, do not use chili powder. It's wonderful in its place, but it is not just chili. You'll wind up with something South of the Border rather than Arrivederci Roma. And... maybe that might be good. Give it a shot. But not the first time.

Having added your pepper to the oil, either flippantly or with a certain amount of concern, keep an eye on it. When the oil is hot, the flakes will sizzle a little. If you used powder, it's a little harder to see, so smell. When you start to smell a little pepper in the air and the oil is hot, you're ready. Take your diced onion and add it. That will keep your spices from scorching. Stir a little, keeping the heat fairly low.

Now you're going to add the rest of the seasonings. Why didn't you add them with the pepper flakes, you may ask? Pepper flakes are fairly robust and can take heat, but other spices burn more easily, so it's easier and safer to add them with something that has a little water in it, like onions. In a pinch, if you're not adding something like that, you can even just add a little water, but that's for another time. Anyway, first add some salt. This is up to you, but I really strongly recommend adding at least 1/4 teaspoon. Salt is flavor, plus it helps draw moisture from the onion which makes everything faster. I usually just shake some in.

Then add some sugar. A teaspoon. It's not that much. Can you do without it? Yes. Will you be sorry? Also yes. It's not a lot, but it'll bring out the natural sugars in the onion and tomato, plus like the salt it helps speed up the cooking process. But if you are seriously restricting your intake of sugar, don't use artificial sweeteners here. They don't do the same chemistry. You'll just have to cook the onions a little longer.

Now, the spices. You can add your garlic here, in whatever form. If you add powder, you may want to add a teaspoon of water as well, but I like to live dangerously and the onions will give up moisture. How much garlic? It's Italy, baby! Add some. That's not enough. Some more.

Then, the warm spices. I was serious when I said you can use pumpkin spice here. Pumpkin spice is usually just allspice, clove, cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg, sometimes missing one or more of those ingredients. You can buy it for a dollar. Keep it on hand. No shame, no basic-ness. We'll find plenty of fun uses for it.

But if you want to get all fancy, 5-Spice powder works wonders. Or garam masala. Or your own mixture of warm spices (we'll talk about this at some point, promise). Whatever it is, you're adding 1/4 teaspoon. It just adds a little background excitement. Maybe you like the night life and to boogie, in which case, add a little more. Don't go overboard though. This is Italy, not India. The spice trade routes ended here. I also recommend adding a bit of fennel, either powdered (hard to find but you can make your own) or whole seeds (potentially stronger flavor, but what a flavor!). A pinch. You decide what that means to you. And I really recommend a 1/2 teaspoon of dried oregano. It pulls everything back into Italy.

Now, this should be sizzling away, not too hot, but with a little steam coming off it. Cover that pot. Let those onions sweat it out for five minutes. Let the rest of the spices bloom. Maybe your pasta water is boiling by now. Let it boil. You'll be there in a minute. Check the onions. Are they burning? Turn down the heat. Are they not doing anything? Turn it up a little. You want a sweat, not a scorch, and depending on your pot, you may need to stir occasionally, but keep the lid on. It's okay. There will be a little liquid.

Once your onions have gone translucent, maybe even a little golden at the edges, you're ready for your tomatoes. Believe it or not, the hard part is done. Home stretch! Open your can and dump it in. If your tomatoes are whole, crush them a little so you have some pieces, but if they're any kind of dice, just chuck them in there. Stir and cover the pot, keep it so it's just bubbling and not going to burn.

Now, your pasta water should be boiling. If it isn't, did you remember to turn on that burner? I've done it too, no shame. Get your pasta into the boiling water. Don't recover it or it will boil over. I should do a basic lesson on pasta at some point. Anyway, cook according to the package, but do not overcook that pasta. Al dente means "to the tooth," not "to the mush." I usually set a timer for one or two minutes less than the lowest number on the package and then check it regularly after that. You may also occasionally want to stir the sauce and adjust it's temperature so it bubbles gently. Depending on the size of your sauce pot, there may not be that much liquid per square inch of pan surface, so you might need to watch that more carefully.

You've tasted your pasta (which is the only way to tell if it's done, but please don't burn yourself) and it's nicely toothy. Before you drain it, take that spare cup and carefully fill it with pasta water. This is the most important thing you can do with pasta. I cannot stress this enough. Save at least a cup of the water. Then, drain your pasta. Don't shake it, don't rinse it, don't pat it dry. It can still have some moisture. Let it sit for a few seconds.

Check your sauce. If it doesn't have any liquid, add a little pasta water. A few tablespoons at first. We may add more later. Check for salt and sweetness. If you feel like it could use a little, add some, but remember that the pasta water is salted. Now is also a time when, if you wanted to get crazy, you could add a drizzle of good olive oil to the sauce. This isn't necessary but if you've got decent extra virgin olive oil and you like the taste and aren't opposed to oil... you know what, you decide.

Combine your sauce and your pasta. Use the pasta pot, use the sauce pot, heck, use a big metal bowl, whatever works. It's going to seem like there isn't that much sauce. This is by design, but if you find yourself wishing there were more, next time, make twice the amount, use two cans of tomatoes, etc. Add more pasta water judiciously. You want the end result to be easy to stir and not sticking together, but you don't want a puddle at the bottom of the pot. If you get a puddle, it's okay. Stir and then cover and let it sit off the heat for a few minutes. Pasta is a really good sponge. If all else fails, just don't give anyone the water from the bottom of the pot. It'll be okay.

You will want to serve with maybe a drizzle of good olive oil on top, but definitely with cheese. No shame, crappy parm works here, it's late, use what you've got. The cheese helps make the anger a little less forward.

Now, enjoy. It took fifteen minutes, I bet. Maybe it took thirty. That's okay. You'll get better.

You've Eaten, What Now?

When you make this again, mix it up a little. Maybe it wasn't spicy enough. Maybe you could make it a little sweeter. Maybe you've got some diced bell pepper you can add in with the onions. Maybe you want to get wild and add an anchovy or two with the onions to give a little meaty kick. Umami is great. Try that.

But maybe you burnt things a little. Maybe it was still edible but it tasted a little scorched. You've learned that your burner is a little hot, or your pan is a little thin. Thin pans scorch more easily. No big deal. Plan accordingly next time. Keep a closer eye on things until you know what you can leave alone. Or maybe things were too spicy. You've learned that about yourself. You can save it. Boil yourself another pound of pasta, make another helping of sauce, but this time don't add any spicy to it, then mix the two together. Or you can add some additional cheese. Or a jar of pasta sauce. You can recover from it.

You may be asking whether you can make this with whole wheat or gluten free pasta. Yes! In fact, sauces with hearty flavors are better with non-traditional pasta because they can mask some of the unexpected flavors. Similarly, you can make this vegan by subbing in vegan cheese. There's nothing else in here that needs to be changed.

Now, suppose you find yourself with a bit more time, and you'd like to make this into more than a late-night snack. Chicken, pork, sausage, or shrimp would all be lovely with this sauce. Just make the pasta and cook a chicken breast for each person. Something like that. Or add the shrimp at the very end to the sauce before you add it to the pasta. I would definitely recommend adding the anchovies if you do this with shrimp. At this point, though, it's no longer arrabiata, and you might consider making the sauce and serving it and the shrimp over linguine.

You've got this. This is cookable.